More than worry

So 100.8 isn't much of a fever, right? But that reading was taken with a thermometer under the arm, so in fact the temperature is probably a degree higher. Is 101.8 a fever to worry about? I think it is. Isn't it?

Yes, Isaac is ill. He's in bed asleep now, so we can't do anything but worry about him -- I mean, it probably doesn't make sense to wake him up just to take his temperature again. Does it? I gave him some baby Tylenol about an hour and a half ago, so that should have helped bring the fever down. Maybe I should just go in there and put my hand on his forehead. Or maybe we should move him to our bed tonight. Just in case.

I don't know what's wrong with him. He didn't have any symptoms besides fever and clinginess, and those only started about two hours ago. Isaac seemed a little unhappy when Craig started getting him ready for bed, but when he begged for his mama to put on his pajamas instead, I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, when I picked him up, he felt hot. Immediately my chest tightened with fear.

I wish he'd gotten sick earlier in the day, so I could have monitored him more closely. Now that he's sleeping all alone in his room, there's no way to tell if he's growing sicker and sicker ...

I know intellectually that kids get sick all the time, and this is almost certainly nothing major, and I should just get used to it. I also know that all parents worry about their kids' health. Craig worries about Isaac too, but mostly he feels sorry that Isaac feels ill. I can't quite get to sympathy, unfortunately -- I get stuck on worry. Actually, it's much more than worry. While of course I'm very sorry that Isaac feels bad, any sympathy is overwhelmed by my primary emotion -- fear.

When I know that someone actually is sick, I can find the strength to handle it, but these borderline cases -- is he sick? how sick is he? what if things get worse and I don't notice it? -- are prime fodder for my type of obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. I monitor the situation so closely and have such catastrophic thoughts that I end up putting myself in a panic.

So I won't be resting easy tonight.