Uncles and aunts II

"Read this," I said to my mother this morning, "and tell me if you think anyone will be offended."

She read it. "Yes," she said.

I didn't really believe her. But it turns out my uncles and aunts don't appreciate being teased any more than Isaac did.

I actually like my relatives a lot, which is why I show up at so many family gatherings, and I am truly sorry to have offended them. I didn't intend my blog post to be hurtful or mean-spirited. What I did intend was to be funny (which apparently didn't work out), and to document Isaac's growing understanding of his extended family.

When I was a diffident child it took me a while to learn how to deal with large groups of relatives, and I thought that Isaac, equally reserved in nature, would appreciate hearing some light-hearted advice. Thus I presented him with two unrelated "simple lessons about family life," most accurately summed up as (1) uncles tease children and (2) aunts talk to each other a lot.

These remarks weren't criticisms of specific people, just fond generalizations of the entire group. They were meant to be humorous, not judgmental. Do you remember going to big family gatherings as a child? When your aunts were talking to each other could you get a word in edgewise? I never could. And did your uncles ever say anything serious to you? Mine never did. Did you love your relatives anyway? I always did.

To be fair, things have gotten a lot better now that I'm an adult. My aunts are pretty good listeners, especially when they aren't in a big group, and I have even gotten good advice from an uncle or two. And after this misunderstanding, I hope they will all continue to speak to me.

- - - - -

Isaac doesn't mind if his aunts talk a lot or not, but he does mind being teased. What is the right way to teach him to deal with his teasing uncles? Surely it isn't fair to tell him to dismiss everything his uncles say?

So far we have taught Isaac to deal with direct attacks, like, for instance, when someone at his school called him "stupid." He is learning to say things like "That's not true!" or "You have that backward."

The problem with teasing, however, is that unlike a direct insult, Isaac usually doesn't recognize it, so he can't defend himself. At his age, it seemed safer to issue a blanket warning: watch out, because uncles like to tease.

Actually, Isaac doesn't enjoy even gentle teasing, as I am always discovering. After I accidentally hurt him several times, I reached an agreement with him about teasing: it is only allowed when both parties think it is fun. Whenever I do tease him, I telegraph it with an exaggerated facial expression, and I taught him to say "Stop!" as soon as he starts to feel bad or worried.

When he gets a little older, he'll be ready to deal with these conflicts more readily. Right now he just doesn't understand the motivation behind them, and continually asks why someone would want to call someone else stupid, or why someone would want to tease.

As soon as he figures out why, poor Laurel had better watch out.