Fear of failure

Today I went back through the "drafts" section of my blog, which contains posts I started writing but never completed or published. I was looking for a particular post I had begun in March of 2009, nearly a year ago, when I was beginning to notice Isaac curtailing his activities based on his fear that he wouldn't succeed at them.

In my draft post I noted that I had heard Isaac say, in several situations, "If I try to [blank], I'll just do it wrong." Unfortunately he has continued to make similar statements.

Back in 2009, when he was three, what kinds of things did Isaac say he couldn't do? Well, "draw a house" was one, along with pretending to read a book he knew by memory. He also said, "I'm not a very good singer." (He's wrong.)

What does he say he can't do in 2010, now that he is four? He still won't even attempt representational art, because he says it won't be accurate. Today, for instance, he told me he wouldn't draw a map of our house, because it wouldn't "be any good." He also said he couldn't draw a very good triangle. (He's right.)

Sometimes he claims he can't do something that he does know how to do, such as recently when he said he was no good at climbing trees. Has he forgotten that he knows? Is he looking for reassurance or praise? Is he making excuses in advance for future errors? I know he hates to be caught making a mistake; sometimes when he makes a mistake he says things like, "Can we pretend this never happened?" or "Don't tell Daddy."

Both Craig and I suffer somewhat from what Craig calls "I don't do nuthin' that I cain't do good" syndrome, which I suppose is common among overachievers. Now that we are parents we try to model willingness to try new things, as well as forgiveness of our own errors, but I wonder how much of Isaac's other hesitations have been due to his fear of failure. Soccer? Dancing? Learning numbers?

Did we pass along this regrettable attitude to our son? Is it genetics? Is it shoddy parenting? At any rate, I'm revisiting the research on the damaging effects of certain types of praise, and I'm re-reading "Unconditional Parenting" (as well as the first chapter in the new book "Nurtureshock"). For instance, I know I've fallen back into the bad habit of simply calling Isaac smart rather than specifically praising his efforts. The research shows that when kids who are told they are "smart" inevitably fail, they conclude they are no longer smart; to preserve their image, they try mightily to avoid failure -- and they do this by avoiding challenges.

I also found this article called How to Make Your Kid into a Perfectionist, which includes a link to another called Let Your Kids Fail.

- - - - -

On a more amusing note, here are some additional Isaac quotes I found in the March 2009 draft post:

* Is this a beautiful picture? Do you absolutely love it?
* Why am I so beautiful?
* Do you like my nice butt?