Birth optimism

I thought I'd give myself a late Christmas present and allow myself to indulge in a rare treat: positive thinking.

I may seem like I have a negative attitude, but it's not because I'm truly a pessimist. In fact, I usually have a fairly sunny outlook on life. However, while I may appear resolutely logical and pragmatic (and I am), I am also vulnerable to psychological superstition and magical thinking. So if I don't worry enough, or if I assume things are going to go well, then in return something bad will happen. Somehow I gain peace of mind by staying worried. (Yes, this is a classic flaw in reasoning suffered by many people with anxiety and/or obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

Anyway, people who met me only after Isaac was born are always surprised to learn of my anxieties about childbirth. They know me as someone who already had one positive and empowering birth experience, so they don't understand the dread I feel about my upcoming labor. And indeed, before I became pregnant this time I actually had been known to remark that I was looking forward to giving birth again!

And, I think to myself now, that's the kind of careless remark that will really bring down the wrath of the universe. It's almost like I was asking to be cursed. The universe is going to notice my cocky attitude and will teach me a lesson by sending me a terrible experience. (Don't I sound crazy?)

But this post is supposed to be about optimism. Surely I can allow that for a few paragraphs. So why should I be feeling confident about my ability to handle Leaf's impending birth?

I guess I could look to the past: after all, I have already given birth successfully, and it was an amazing experience. Even though I had a fairly long labor at 24 hours, probably quite a lot of it slow-to-progress back labor, I did it without any drugs or pain relief, and without the desire for any. I leaned on my family and a doula for support, and with their help I was able to stay focused and work hard. In the end I pushed for less than 30 minutes and delivered an eight and a half pound baby without any trouble. Those are all indications that this upcoming birth should go well.

Plus, since we've planned a homebirth this time, the continuity of caregiver and environment should help me to have an even more positive experience. We have a supportive and skilled midwife who will be at my side throughout the entire labor and birth. And while last time I felt very safe and comfortable laboring at home, this time we won't have to make a last-minute drive to the hospital for the actual delivery. (Hopefully!)

But I think I need to remind myself that it's okay to be confident, and it doesn't have to equal being overconfident or inflexible. I didn't have any plans or expectations for Isaac's birth, including any for my own performance, so I was mentally prepared to accept whatever came my way. I was ready for good or bad. I hope I can find that flexibility again, and not expect this birth, or my reactions to it, to follow any particular course. Just because I had an incredibly positive experience last time doesn't guarantee it will happen again. Maybe I'll scream and cry my way through this birth. Maybe I'll beg for painkillers. Maybe I'll end up with a horror story I can use to scare the kiddies.

Really, I feel like it's important to remember that this birth will be different. It could even be harder.

But labor is always hard work. As long as I'm ready for hard work, I should be okay. There's some genuine optimism for you.