Third day of preschool

My goal was to leave Isaac at school, but only after I had his permission to do so. Today I tried the same separation strategy I had successfully used on the first day of school: staying on the other side of the room while he was having a good time without me, and then asking him if it was okay for me to leave. It was a flexible strategy by design -- if he said "no" at first, I would retreat to a distance and ask again a little later, assuming that eventually he would feel comfortable and tell me I could go. Unfortunately it didn't work this time.

(In case you're wondering, the second day of school was one of my work days. The preschool is cooperative, so each parent works as a teachers' aide one day per month. So on the second day I was there for the entire time, but I was busy in the kitchen helping the kids with their snack. Perhaps that confused Isaac -- I was at school, but out of sight, and not readily available. On that day, he ended up crying right before it was time to go home.)

Today, however, he cried after just 30 minutes of school. And he cried several other times after that. There was a lot of crying, basically.

As I did on the first day, I waited until he was busy with an activity, then asked him if he was ready for me to leave. When he said no, I told him I'd be sitting on the other side of the room. I had planned to talk to him again in 15 or 20 minutes to tell him I had to leave, but I never got a chance. The next thing I knew, a parent volunteer was leading a crying Isaac to me. He had looked for me, hadn't been able to find me, and had gotten upset.

Things never went right after that. He didn't want to leave my side, so I accompanied him as he did several activities, but he never really settled into them. He kept saying that he wanted to go home. He even got teary-eyed periodically, perhaps anticipating my eventual departure. I realized that unlike his first day of school, I wasn't going to have the opportunity to make a smooth transition away. I was going to have to either reassure Isaac that I was going to stay the whole time, which wasn't a precedent I wanted to set, or simply leave despite his protests, which wasn't a fun idea either.

His teachers were fairly patient with me, although it was clear they felt I was making the situation worse by staying so long. I completely agreed with them, but I also wanted to explain to them that my methods had worked once before. I wanted them to know I wasn't just another worried parent hanging around without a plan. They didn't really listen. They've probably heard it all before.

So I told Isaac that I was going to run a few errands, but that I would be back soon. He began to cry immediately, even though I was still standing there. He cried more when one of the teachers picked him up and tried to suggest fun activities. He cried even more still when I walked down the hall and out the gate. He was sobbing whole-heartedly, as if his heart was breaking.

And did it break my heart? Not really. I knew I was coming back for him, after all! Not to sound callous, but instead of feeling guilty or sad at leaving him, I was instead frustrated that my separation strategy hadn't worked this time, and irritated that the teachers hadn't listened to me when I tried to explain the strategy.

I stayed away for 40 minutes, and when I came back Isaac was just fine. His circle group teacher, Jennifer, had read him a book about excavators (three times in row), and that cheered him up. She reassured me that they would have called me if he hadn't stopped being upset. And she was only slightly disapproving that I hadn't waited longer (like until the very end of the school day) to come back.

So today was not a success. But we have an actual plan for Thursday, instead of the flexible approach that I had hoped would work today. Isaac and I have been discussing the plan. I'm going to stay for circle time and one activity of Isaac's choosing, and then I'm going to leave. "And then Isaac is going to cry," Isaac said matter-of-factly.

"Maybe," I said. "You can cry if you need to. It's okay if you feel sad when I leave. But then later you'll feel happier and you can have fun at school. And then I'll come back and get you!"

We'll see how it goes.